WTF.

My thoughts on our techno cracked-out selves

This is from moleskine.com:

I think this says it all.

When Moleskine—the literature-worshipping English major’s best and most (seemingly) loyal friend—embraces the Kindle… it’s a better time than ever for your abandoned soul to embrace sugar.

Behold my latest thumbnail-sized creation:

The mini chocolate cupcake filled with sweet cream cheese sauce.

My father’s reaction, for your amusement:

“Uhh, no you can’t have mine…”            “..because—NOM”

“Fuck yeah.”

Eleven cupcakes later…

“lol jk NOM NOM NOM NOM”

This is the poster for the feature film Knight and Day:

This is the knife with which I’d like to tear said poster into itty-bitty, bloody little shreds of cinematic failure:

You know, in this economy, one takes quite a leap of faith when purchasing a $10-$15 movie ticket. I don’t go out of pure boredom as much as I used to; the movie has to have a reasonable amount of promise for me to take that plunge.

And for my last movie-going experience, I chose… poorly.

All right. Deep breaths, Kel. Let’s talk about Knight and Day for a moment. If you have seen any of the recent Muse-blasting trailers, it seems pretty fun. Cameron Diaz is hot and California-happy as always, and Tom Cruise actually looks half-decent for the first time ever (for me, at least)—maybe this is because, in said trailers, it seemed like this role was poking a little bit of fun at his notorious insanity and allowing him to play a slightly unhinged character to the best of his abilities.

And we all saw the booth part of the trailer at least, right? “For your safety, please stay in the booth.” Relatively funny. Couch-hoppin’ Tom mixed with fictional action character = rompin’ good time.

                      ************** NOT.**************

This film. Is. AWFUL. For the following reasons:

1) Okay, why exactly is Cameron Diaz the highest-paid actress in the world or whatever? Yes, she’s adorable. Yes, she’s super-hot. Is that why? I just… in this film especially… found her acting to be so damn unconvincing! She actually seemed bored. Literally bored to be shooting a multi-million-dollar budget film. I don’t like paying $15 to see a movie in which the person I’m watching is subliminally communicating her boredom in my direction.

2) The drugging-Cameron-Diaz scenes. A.K.A. every scene. Without revealing too much, I’ll just say that Tom Cruise drugs Diaz several times throughout the film, because she “can’t handle” whatever’s happening. Okay, I get that. But they faded to black whenever she was drugged. She may not be able to handle it, but I can handle it. I’m in a fucking movie seat staring at a 25’-tall screen, SHOW ME WHAT IS HAPPENING. There was one sequence where it was like, “hey, drink this”—BOOM, we’re on a helicopter—oh, we’re immediately falling asleep again—BOOM, we’re falling into the ocean—oh, we’re sleepy—BOOM we’re on a freaking speedboat—oh, so tired—BOOM we’re on a deserted island. WHAT HAPPENED? WHY DID THOSE SEQUENCES OF EVENTS OCCUR? Cop-out. Blatant, blatant cop-out.

3) The most hilariously bad kissing scene I think I’ve ever seen. At one point, they’re in this Spanish-style atrium-type area of a house, where it’s partly sheltered and partly not. Bad guys are shooting at them. Tom Cruise is on one side of the atrium, Diaz is at the other. They’ve been reunited after a short time apart. She becomes a whiny little girl and says, “Wah, Roy, you don’t seem to miss me very much!” So, Roy turns to her all dramatic-like and SLOWLY WALKS THROUGH A SEA OF BULLETS TO KISS HER. I may have been able to get past that kind of comical absurdity, but the kiss was really, really disappointing on top of that. If I’m expected to suspend my disbelief to the point where I can get excited that Tom Cruise is walking through a fucking meteor shower of bullets, I better get the satisfaction of a kick-ass kiss. This I did not receive.

4) Was this comedy or action? I feel like action and comedy can mix to great effect, a la Rush Hour, of which I am a shameless fan, but this movie did not seem to have the delicate balance mastered. Far from it. If Tom Cruise was a little bit more funny-crazy, or Cameron Diaz was funny at like any given point throughout the film, it may have been a more enjoyable experience. But for now, they either need to go more funny or ditch the funny and go all-out action.

5) Lastly, the ending is absurd. Fucking absurd. That is all.

This was quite a distressing waste of time and money. My friends and I were less than entertained. So, in the morning, I needed a sweet anger detox in the form of a mango-banana-raspberry smoothie:

I’ve made one every morning for the past four days. Seriously orgasmic. Combine:

-1 cup frozen mango

-1 fresh banana

-about 1/4 cup orange juice

-about 3/4 cup almond milk

Blend to deliciousness. If you use frozen fruit like that, you don’t need to use extra ice. Such a beautiful thing. And a fresh banana adds delightful fluffiness.

Note: Blend until you see a good little tornado center, and keep on blendin’! Whipping air into the smoothie makes it even fluffier. And I am picky about my smoothie texture.

For the last touch of fabulous, pulse in about 6-8 raspberries. PULSE, sister. That is as long as you want those beautiful flecks of magenta.  =)

Cheers to food acting as a lobotomy for your traumatic film experiences!

Upon a recent visit to Pitman, NJ (it’s fine—no one’s heard of it), to visit my beloved Mona Carol (Italian grandmother extraordinaire), I had the opportunity to taste the most delicious, herby, garlicky, sloppy, dip-your-crusty-bread-in-the-excess-oil Italian peasant food of all time. My grandmother always insists on cooking for me and my mother, and we’d be legally insane to turn her down.

What’s even more awesome about my grandmother’s cooking is that she always manages to do it on the super duper cheap. As a first-generation Italian-American whose parents were from a town that only farmed, she’s kind of had to learn how to stretch a buck. But lemme tell you this right now: Taste. Is not. Sacrificed.

Exhibit A:

Potatoes and green beans.

I know, I know—sounds ho-hum, right? I thought so, too. My mom raved about it for years, and somehow I had gone 21 years without tasting it. But this last week, my grandma made a big batch of it for me, and… holy shit. You have never tasted something so herby and satisfying. The potatoes melt in your mouth, the green beans add the slightest bit of crunch, and the garlic-and-herb infused olive oil makes it the most flavorful vegetable dish ever!! I could live off of this stuff. And, like all good garlic-and-oil creations, it’s even better as a leftover.

A really important element of the dish is the amount of olive oil. Don’t be shy. As Mona Carol says, “What is this ‘two tablespoons of olive oil’? Half a cup!! Use half a cup!”

Another key is the herbs. Again, be generous. When my grandmother made this, she used big sprigs of rosemary that our cousin grows in her backyard. My mom had basil, parsley and oregano on hand, so that’s what I used (with garlic, of course):

I can’t tell you how much this woman inspires me. Not only is she an 86-year-old firecracker with the best sense of humor on the East coast, but she shows me fantastically tasty dishes that are really affordable for a college student. What more can I ask for, right? If you’re lookin’ for some cheap, healthy and delicious eats, let’s talk. =)

^^ Mama and Mona

And it’s too cold to go to Sugar Bliss for the second time in one week…

MAKE YOUR OWN MINI CUPCAKES!!

For a little perspective, observe:

I used the recipe for Beatty’s Chocolate Cake from Barefoot Contessa At Home, written by—of course—Miss Ina Garten (My BFFL. In my mind). It has a cup of hot coffee in the batter, which reeeeally makes the chocolate orgasmic.

I topped off the little lovelies with homemade cream cheese frosting. READ: If you have never made your own frosting… you really owe it to yourself to taste the other-worldly difference. DO IT. OKAY?

My Lord, was this a good way to combat the indoors blues.